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2012-12-05

Thin Ice -- My interpretation


It can have multiple meanings, but the primary one I was thinking of was someone trying to be perfect for someone they're in a relationship with in every way they know how, and being frustrated because the other person is angry so much and isn't responding the way they want.  This isn't about an abusive or horrible relationship, even though it might kinda sound like it.  It's more about two normal people, people like I've seen plenty of times, one of whom (I'll assume it's a male for my explanation) is dissatisfied with life and therefore grumpy, and the other (assuming female for the example -- the one talking) is trying to find everything they need in that dissatisfied person, and being frustrated by it.

I'm tiptoeing
Trying not to make a sound
It might be too loud
Or maybe you want me to talk now?

She's tiptoeing around, trying to do everything right, afraid of making him person upset.  She feels like anything she does could set him off, so she's basically trying to not exist. Or maybe he wants her to talk now? The uncertainty of how to please him is miserable.

I'm terified
Even though you won't hurt me
But your words might sting
Even though they are not meant for me

She's constantly afraid of setting him off, upsetting him, maybe even being yelled at.  But in the back of her mind, she knows those mean words aren't really directed at her -- they come from a deeper dissatisfaction with life or something. They still hurt though.

I'm traveling
Walking on paper thin ice
Ice that is melting
And yet still I think I'm breaking it

Again, the thin ice is his mood. The ice is melting though, and she can't do anything about it.  Yet still she blames herself for it breaking

I'm perfection
Don't I do everything right?
Where is my reward?
You should know how to love me by now

Finally, she's just frustrated, because she IS doing everything right, and it's totally NOT her fault for how he's so often in a bad mood.

I'm frustrated
Lost, wanting validation
Or some sympathy
But still looking in the wrong places

She's frustrated, doesn't know what to do, and wants to feel justified in her frustration but she's still looking for validation in the guy.

I'm remembering
I'm still learning to love too
And it's not my fault
Love is not bought, but can it be taught?

Then she starts to realize that his short personality and temper are not her fault. That he simply still learning how to love her in the ways she needs. That she can't buy his love by loving him, but can it be taught?

I'm listening
And I think I understand
It's not about me
All the times I hurt made you regret

Finally she starts to see that all his dissatisfaction and everything isn't about her.  He does love her, and he regrets any and every time he made her feel un-loved.  He's struggling with life though.

I'm progressing
I can tell you love me still
So let the ice break
It's cold anyway, and you're freezing

That's a big step forward for her, and in the end she realizes that she can best love him by saying bring it on to everything that's making him un-happy and working with him as he overcomes it.  He's not happy -- he's freezing -- so rather than blaming herself, making him feel guilty, or whatever, she should encourage him to get all of that stuff out. To share it, to be mad about it, whatever it takes, so they can move forward.



Inspiration
Most of the inspiration for this came from couples I've observed. Especially people blaming themself for every negative thing their partner says.  Making themselves responsible for things they're not, and all the while finding their complete validation in what their partner says, making it doubly damaging.

It also came partly from something my wife and I were going through at the time.  I felt like I was trying pretty hard and doing pretty well at doing everything I possibly could "right" to make her happy and everything, and yet it felt like every little thing -- a computer acting up, our internet going out for 10 seconds, friends not meeting expectations, etc. would set her off and put her in a bad mood and make me terrified to be around her.

But what I came to realize was that this was that this was because I was looking at it all wrong.  She's not always like that, so something was causing it.  She felt bad about it and repeatedly apologized and tried to make it up to me, so it clearly wasn't ME causing it. (Though I'm sure my whipped dog attitude every time she got mad about something was the opposite of beneficial.)  So I realized that I needed to stop worrying about myself and moping that she wasn't being fair or whatever, and just love her, and if possible, dive into everything troubling her with her and work through it all together.  And while I still don't know everything affecting her moods during that time -- hormones, stress, anxiety, lack of self worth, lack of self discovery, and much more I'm sure -- it was a big step forward and we are currently happier together than we've ever been!

I think it's an ever present temptation and trap to try to be everything your partner needs, or to find everything you need in your partner.  Obviously I believe there are physical and emotional needs that are only meant to be met by a spouse, but there's a lot of other needs that are also meant to be met by God and through other friends and family.

2012-10-22

Love and Humility

We've been talking about love and humility a lot at church lately.  In fact, listening to older sermons I'd say that's always a common theme at our church, and I feel rightly so.

It's interesting how closely related love and humility are.  Both are about putting others above ourselves.  And with both, the closer we think we are to truly loving or being truly humble, the further away from true love and humility we tend to be.  In general, whenever I'm thinking, "I'm doing a good job being loving!" what I'm thinking on a deeper level is "They sure do owe me for being such a great guy!", which is completely self-centered and pretty much the polar opposite of love. In the same way, the more humble we think we are the more prideful we are of our imagined humility.

But really, both of those are just human nature, aren't they?  How can we as humans truly love without receiving it in return?  We get tired and just worn out trying, don't we? How can we love with a love that is limitless and not at all based on rather we're receiving love or rather the person we love deserves any of it?  And how can we be truly humble when all our efforts at humility lead us to comparing it to the people around us, and consequently becoming prideful?

The only answer for those questions is that we can not. We can not show love without receiving it, and we cannot be humble when we compare ourselves to the people around us.

I believe the ONLY solution is for us to draw from the only infinite source of love, and compare ourselves to the only ultimate example of humility.  Because when we fill our love tank from God, and fulfill our need for love in HIS infinite, pure love, we can then start to love others even when they hurt us and don't love us in return. We can finally stop focusing on what we think they should be doing and focus on just loving them. And we see in God's love how to love, and what it really means to be humble. And we can get past how good of a job we think we're doing and realize the truth of Matthew 20:16, "So the last will be first, and the first will be last."


In other news, I am participating in the St. Jude Memphis Marathon Weekend to support the kids of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital! As a St. Jude Hero, I have committed to raise $1000 for the kids of St. Jude. I feel that this is a very noble cause, and would like to ask you personally to help me support St. Jude by donating today at http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Heroes/Heroes?px=2006882&pg=personal&fr_id=3631.

Your donation helps by ensuring that no family ever has the burden of having to pay St. Jude for anything. It also ensures that St. Jude is able to continue changing the way the world treats childhood cancer and other deadly diseases through its research.

2012-10-09

A Short Rant on Politics

The people we elect are supposed to be the people we choose to represent US. If you honestly feel that Obama or Romney represents what you want for this country and future generations, then that is another discussion. But if you are voting for who you feel is the lesser of two evils, then I would beg you to re-consider. The problem with repeatedly voting for "the lesser of two evils" is that you always end up with evil winning. It also perpetuates the cycle of having two people pre-chosen for us to "choose" between, and elections in general being nothing but a big charade. Our choices are /not/ going to get better if we keep doing this. So I would beg you to study and vote for someone who does represent what you want for this country and future generations, even if they don't stand a chance of winning. Because at least that way you won't be voting for evil.

Also, just to clarify, I use "evil" here not in reference to Obama or Romney as people. As people they are certainly no more evil than I myself am. I use it because "the lesser of two evils" is common language when talking about elections. My problems with Obama and Romney have nothing to do with rather I like them or not. I imagine both of them would be quite fine people to be around. So when talking about them, I'm never attacking them personally, I'm attacking what they represent -- a set of policies and ideals that I strongly disagree with.

2012-09-12

Thin Ice

I'm tiptoeing
Trying not to make a sound
It might be too loud
Or maybe you want me to talk now?

I'm terified
Even though you won't hurt me
But your words might sting
Even though they are not meant for me

I'm traveling
Walking on paper thin ice
Ice that is melting
And yet still I think I'm breaking it

I'm perfection
Don't I do everything right?
Where is my reward?
You should know how to love me by now

I'm frustrated
Lost, wanting validation
Or some sympathy
But still looking in the wrong places

I'm remembering
I'm still learning to love too
And it's not my fault
Love is not bought, but can it be taught?

I'm listening
And I think I understand
It's not about me
All the times I hurt made you regret

I'm progressing
I can tell you love me still
So let the ice break
It's cold anyway, and you're freezing




This is my attempt at a poem.  My wife really likes poetry, and writing. So I'm trying to encourage her to write more, and one way is to try myself.  I'm sure I'll post some sappy ones I've written/will write some day, but this one is an idea I've had for a while now and I wanted to give it a shot.  It does have a specific meaning, but I never know if it's better to give my meaning, or let people create their own meanings.

So, I'm curious -- what did you get from this?  :)

Also, I'll try to post a news update sometime soonish.  My wife and I have been married over a year now and I absolutely love it!